We all know that "they lived happily and had many children" does not exist, that Prince Charming is only in tales and that "eternal happiness" is utopia, but we unconsciously accumulate patterns of unhealthy relationships that influence our existence.
We suffer for love, we humble ourselves for love, we cry because of a breakup, and we do all we can for people who often do not deserve it.
We may have a panic fear of being alone, of having to face the mirror and find out who we really are.
"Love requires to be two, never ceasing to be one. "
-Walter Riso-
We have had so many relationships that have hurt us so much that we are sometimes unable to identify what a healthy relationship is because we are simply afraid of loneliness.
We are satisfied with people who do not treat us properly or who do not like us.
The psychologist Walter Riso, in his book "Lovers or Slaves", helps us identify the toxic relationships that hurt us and bring us nothing good. Riso points to the following unhealthy relationships:
Obsessive love
Walter Riso explains that: "Obsession implies that love becomes insatiable in the relationship. One of the couple is never satisfied with the relationship, he can not do anything without his partner and is very addicted. "
A person who finds himself in a relationship like this feels compelled to give what she does not want to give, she is consumed by stress and may feel harassed.
An obsessive couple has no limits, and leaves no space for the freedom of each individual and individualities.
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These are couples in which each member has lost their identity and self-esteem.
Lovers of this type, as Riso tells us, end up adopting the same behaviors, the same humor and the same way of dressing as their partner.
Sometimes, the love of fusion is manifested by the irrepressible desire to possess the other person.
But loving goes well beyond that. We must be able to keep our individuality in the couple and let the other person be as it is.
We must love it for what it is and keep our own personality, with our flaws and our qualities. Everything is a question of acceptance.
Nous avons tous peur que notre relation se termine ou que les choses se passent mal avec la personne que nous aimons.
Mais nous ne devons pas oublier qu’aimer quelqu’un comporte toujours un risque. La peur de l’abandon est caractéristique d’une personne qui a peur de l’échec.
Cette peur se divise souvent en d’autres craintes : la peur que notre partenaire nous déçoive, qu’il soit infidèle, qu’il nous abandonne, et que l’amour se termine sans raison apparente.
Riso nous recommande d’être conscient qu’il n’existe pas de certitude en amour et d’accepter l’instabilité de cette situation.
Marc and Angel Chernoff have spent a lot of time helping their clients build healthy and lasting relationships.
They have come up with answers to the question we all ask ourselves: what is needed to create and nurture a healthy relationship?
They invented a list of what not to do to avoid perverting a relationship. Here are some of their recommendations.
Do not wait for love to solve your problems
If you are afraid of being alone, a relationship can not fill this void by itself.
You must first understand the source of this problem, this fear of loneliness.
Once you've done it and you've gone beyond that, you can do it in a healthy way with another person.
"At this time, somewhere in the world, there is someone who is happy to have you. "
-Walter Riso-
Never forget that your emptiness, your fears and your problems belong only to you. They will contaminate your relationship if you do not solve it before.
Face and value your problems before you pair, for the sake of your personal balance and the person you love.
Do not stick to the person you love
When we start a relationship, it is perfectly normal to want to spend a lot of time with the person we love.
But, little by little, we must leave more space to our partner and dispose of ours.
We must not forget that we have our own life to manage and that we must reserve time to be alone with ourselves. It's fundamental to having healthy relationships.
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A serial dater, Luisa Hilburn knows a thing or two about men and the dating scene. Much of her writing is inspired by her encounters with men - and for good reason, she gets herself into some hilarious situations - like that time she went on a date with a guy who took her to a cow farm. If you need to find her, she's usually on a date or standing in the chocolate isle debating whether or not to give into temptation, also i am a writer and co-owner of How2bond.
Elaine Brooks is writer at Kingdomofbaby and social media consultant who has an unhealthy love for makeup, pregnancy, and parenting. I live with my husband and 8-year-old daughter in Toronto.
Do not let fear dominate you
You are not going to lose yourself because you love, but because you hold back your love. No relationship in which there is a shared and true love is impossible, you just have to give it a chance.
To love another person means to give him the opportunity to hurt you, but above all to make you happy.
We can not live our whole lives in fear of relationships. We must learn to trust, even though we have had bad experiences in the past.
The important thing is not to make the same mistakes and keep learning each day.
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